So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
