My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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