Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
