apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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