her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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