How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
