The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
