So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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