plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
