Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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