I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
