watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
