I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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