Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
