I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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