i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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