the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
