it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize