I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
