I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
