I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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