i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
