are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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