he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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