At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You're a waste of cheezeits
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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