here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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