he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
