Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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