1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
