Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
