He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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