I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
what day is it and did you see me today?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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