Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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