I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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