Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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