woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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