Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
