I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize