Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
