no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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