I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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