he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
