Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
