If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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