I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize