Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
