Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I got inside last night via doggy door
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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