Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
