Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
