I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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