Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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