I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My balls are so social today.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
