Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
