Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
