Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
