i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
