According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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