My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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