i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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