There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
