Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
