Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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